From Deborah Hardy, President, New York State School Counselor Association
Dear Rifat,
Overprotection happens when parents are not secure about the outside world and, as you mentioned, are affected a little too deeply by what they see in the media. There are several options that will help you "break the box". I would encourage you to begin doing more with your parents outside the house such as going to the mall, restaurants, etc., so they can observe for themselves what's really there. The other is to establish a plan of communication if you go out. What I mean is that if you want to go to a friend's house for the afternoon, let your parents know that you'll be in touch with them once you get there and then as you leave, unless they can pick you up. This lets them be a little more comfortable in knowing where you are and what you're doing. It may be embarrassing at first, but it does work and gives your parents a little more security that you are fine.
Dear Rifat,
I know exactly how you feel. I constantly feel that I can't talk to my parents, and I too feel very alone sometimes because of it. If you have any close relatives, I would suggest talking to them about it, or better yet, sit down and try to have an adult conversation with your parents. That's what I did and it really helped our relationship b/c I think it helped prove to them I was mature. Nothing bad can come out of this. They are your parents and all they want is for you to be happy and safe. If they knew you were feeling this way, they would do anything to help you feel better. Good luck!
--Lindsey, IML Mentor
Dear Rifat,
It can be really hard to talk to your parents, especially when they are stubborn or overprotective. But, as much as you dread talking to them, you need to let them know how you feel. Next time you want to do something and they won't let you do it, try to reason with them and find a middle ground. It may help if you try to see where they're coming from, and in return ask them to understand how you feel. If you don't want to talk to them, you can always write a letter or ask a close relative to talk to your mom or dad. I also had the same problem with my parents. I always felt like they were more strict than my friends' parents, and that made me really annoyed. We were able to compromise once I opened up to them about how I felt. I hope you can do the same thing. Good Luck!
--Jenna, IML Mentor
Dear Rifat,
I was an only child 'til I was almost ten years old. My parents were very protective also. They always had to know where I was and who I was with. I felt lonely too, and I found that writing in a journal helped me to not feel so lonely. Although it doesn't take the place of a person, writing helped me (and still does) when I need to get things "off my chest." Perhaps you can write your parents a letter explaining to them how you feel and if you feel comfortable, maybe even writing a possible solution or idea to improve how you feel. Then you might be able to talk to them. I know how impossible it may seem to talk to your parents, but they're people too, and they will listen. Just give them the chance. Good Luck!
--Leah, IML Mentor
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Dear IML,
My parents are way too protective. They won't let me have a spare key, they won't let me stay home alone, AND they won't let me have a sleepover without a month's notice! Help! How can I prove to them that I can do all this stuff?
--Dolly, 11
From Robin Shlien, M.A., M.F.T
Dear Dolly,
First of all, try not to insist that because your friends are allowed to do certain things, you should too. Instead, try communicating to them how it makes you feel. For example, maybe their overprotective attitude makes you frustrated, or it makes you feel like they don't want you to grow up and learn to be responsible. Then, give your parents a chance to let you know how they feel in return. Consider asking them what makes them uncomfortable about leaving you alone. When everyone talks openly about their feelings, it can open a lot of doors. You're on the right track by wanting to prove to them that you can do this stuff. Perhaps you and your parents can work together to come up with a compromise - perhaps there is something that you can do to show them that you're ready to take on more responsibility. Good luck!
Dear Dolly,
It can be frustrating trying to demonstrate to your parents that you're ready for more responsibilities. Even though I'm legally an adult (I'm 19) my dad always knows where I am. I think that part of being responsible is telling someone where you are. You could make sure that you do your chores and help out with housework without being asked (and that includes doing your homework without being reminded to). Another thing that you could do is to talk to your parents and discuss with them how you're feeling. Don't expect a dramatic change overnight, but if you're acting responsible (not whining), they may be more likely to reevaluate their policies. Good Luck!
--Leah, IML Mentor
Dear Dolly,
Trust me, I know how you feel. My parents are very overprotective too. I learned a good thing from this. I sat down with them and talked about how I felt and tried to come up with some compromises. This showed them that I was mature and could handle more than they thought I could. Don't give up on them and keep on talking to them so they trust you, and eventually they'll loosen up.
--Lindsey, IML Mentor
Dear Dolly,
What your parents are doing shows that they care for you a lot. My parents were always very protective of me. I'm sixteen, but I'm barely ever allowed to stay out past eleven. It really bothers me sometimes, but I just remember that they're giving me rules because they care. My advice to you is to sit down and talk to your parents. They should know how you feel. They won't necessarily give you all freedom, but maybe you can reach a compromise to make both of you happy.
--Danielle, IML Mentor
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Dear IML,
I can't talk to my mom or dad about boys or even my school grades. If I get an F they will flip out. What should I do?
--Sally, 10
From Faye Terrebonne Arco, M.Ed., Drug Prevention School Safety Specialist, PPS - School Counseling
Dear Sally,
I'm sorry that it's so hard for you to talk to your mom or dad. Maybe you're worrying about how your parents are going to react because you don't know how to start the conversation. I have two suggestions for you:
- Timing is everything. Pick a time when your parents are not tired, angry about something else, or too busy. Ask for a half-hour of their time to talk about something that's very important to you. Ask them if the meeting can happen in a private place with just you and them present. If it's too difficult to ask them directly, why not write a note asking for the appointment? Once your parents have agreed to a date and time for the meeting, be prepared to bring up one of your concerns or questions. Sometimes, an index card can help you remember what you want to say. Sally, the first time is the hardest, but as you open the communication door, it will get easier and easier. I think that your parents are your best advisors and would like you to give them a chance.
- If you need support in talking to your parents, please consider talking first to your school counselor, religious leader, or a trusted teacher. Ask him or her to help you plan and practice the meeting with your parents. I have often pretended to be a parent for one of my students so the student could try out his or her ideas before actually talking to a parent. This trusted adult may also be willing to set up the first meeting for you and help you get through it.
Good Luck, Sally! You can do it.
Hey Sally,
'School' and 'boys' are something we all think about, except in my case I think about girls :). You have to remember that your parents are people you can always count on, so the best thing to do is try to talk to them, and ask them just to hear you out. Good luck! :)
--Jaron, IML Mentor
Dear Sally,
Even though I am really close to my parents, I still have trouble talking to them about my boy problems. Maybe you can try talking to your parents about how you feel, and tell them that you want to talk to them about these kinds of things, but you are too scared about the way they will handle it. Maybe you can try easing into the subject. I don't know what kinds of things you want to talk about with your parents about boys, but try thinking of "light" questions, and hopefully they will slowly get comfortable with talking about boys. I think it's a great thing that you want to become closer to your parents. DON'T GIVE UP! Good luck!
--Jenna, IML Mentor
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Dear IML,
I am like, a straight A student. Every teacher has high expectations for me. My parents make me work way too hard. Recently, I got a 90% on my Math test and my parents nearly blew the roof. I try telling them not to make me so nervous. I feel kind of low 'cause I want to make them happy. I don't want to hurt their feelings. What should I do???
--Kori, 11
From Faye Terrebonne Arco, M.Ed., Drug Prevention School Safety Specialist, PPS - School Counseling
Dear Kori,
You are not alone. Many parents want the best for their children and sometimes push too hard. Many teachers want smart students to shine. It may be time for you to get some help with this situation. I'm concerned about you feeling low, and feeling that you must please everyone. Please consider scheduling an appointment with your school counselor or a trusted teacher to discuss your feelings.
Of course, you want your parents to be proud of you, but the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. Perhaps your parents don't understand how you truly feel. Ask your parents for a meeting. Explain that you want to do your best and that you don't want to hurt them, but that you're nervous from all of the pressure. Tell them you are grateful that they care so much about you. Ask them to help you feel better. You may have to give them examples (like the 90% on the Math test), and you may have to talk to them several times. Kori, there's an old saying that goes: "To whom much is given, much is expected." It sounds to me like you are a very smart and capable student. Taking the pressure off you is important, but doesn't mean you shouldn't do your best. You may want to check the library for two books:
For You: Fighting Invisible Tigers- A Stress Management Guide for Teens by Earl Hipp
For Your Parents: Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good by Miriam Adderhead-Elliot and Jan Goldberg
Dear Kori,
When I was younger, I had the exact same problem as you do. I had pretty good grades, and I felt that if I did worse than an A-, my parents would freak out. The truth is, parents usually care more about the effort than the actual grade itself. It doesn't matter if you get A's, as long as you're trying. If they do seem to care more about the grade than what you're doing to get it, you should sit down and talk with them about your feelings. They will listen!
--Jordan, IML Mentor
Dear Kori,
You might want to let your parents know that you work really hard in school but it doesn't come easy to you. I think your parents will understand where you're coming from, and maybe they will be more supportive in helping you with your homework, or finding you a good tutor. Your parents should never make you feel bad about not getting amazing grades. All that matters is that you try hard. If you feel like your parents are refusing to lighten up on you, try talking to a teacher and tell him/her what's going on with your parents. Maybe that teacher can talk to your parents and help them realize that they should encourage you despite the A or B. I hope it works out!
--Jenna, IML Mentor
Dear Kori,
I understand how you feel about that sort of pressure concerning grades. In some sense, my parents are JUST like yours: they get a little bit greedy sometimes. When I get a bunch of perfect scores for Math, they expect a constant flow of A's to follow. And very often, it's the same case with my teachers: they want me to sort of "keep the standard." When things get slightly harder and I don't perform that well, they get so disappointed that it makes me feel guilty. I've got to tell you, though, that this is not the correct attitude. Never let yourself get lost in grades. Things will get more and more negative if you just let parents/teachers push you around. Try to grab the control. Hopefully your parents will understand that your success doesn't come from straight A's, but from your strong belief in yourself.
--Joyce, IML Mentor
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