Advice Questions about Parents:

• "My parents went to this meeting about your children and computers, and now I feel like they don't trust me and want to know every detail of my life. They want to know my school e-mail password and my dad even checks the history after I've used the computer! HELP!"

• "My mom is always spending time with my 2 little brothers even though I'm her only daughter. We never get to talk about mother/daughter stuff. How can I find a way to talk to my mom and spend more one-on-one time with her?"

• "I just learned about puberty, getting your period and other things like shaving and growing breasts. I'm excited for these things to happen to me so I can feel more grown up. I think I'm way too young to be starting these things and I'm afraid my parents think the same. I always get my courage worked up to talk to my mom and then it goes away. I try writing letters to my mom but she still hasn't talked to me about it yet. When I ask her to bring me to the store to buy a bra, she thinks I'm kidding. I think I need one because I feel self-conscious about my body if I don't have one on. I really need help talking to my mom. What should I do?"

• "My mom only lets me watch baby stuff, like Dora, Teletubbies, and Dragon Tales. I really want mom to let me watch older shows. What should I do?"

• "I think my mom hates me. She really never spends time with me and when she angry she calls me a mistake and calls me names. Also lately she’s become very mean and gives me a glare every time I walk past her. What should I do to make her not so mean anymore and make her like me again?"

• "My parents just got a divorce and every weekend we switch off (my mom's weekend one week and my dad's weekend the next week). I live with my mom and I hate going over to my dad's house, but I don't want to tell him that I don't like coming over because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please tell me what to do!"

• "I can never talk to my mom about anything! If I tell her something she ends up telling her friends and my dad and everyone. How can I stop my mom from telling everyone my feelings?"

• "I broke my parents' trust. Now they won't let me back online, just because someone on my friends list was not who they said they were. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I'm being punished for it. What can I do to earn back my parents' trust?"

• "When my parents get angry at me, they call me names like "a good for nothing" and "useless" and it really hurts. And sometimes it's not even my fault or they're being unreasonable. What should I do?"

• "My parents are 'taking a break' and each night I cry, even when my dad calls to read me and my brother a story. I don't want to tell him I cry every night but it's bringing me and my mom pain."

• My parents are so controlling and never let me make my own decisions. This summer they are making me go to stupid camps and I don't have a choice. It's just so hard because I know they love me...and they wanna help me not be alone all summer...but it's driving me crazy! This summer I planned on hanging out with friends and going in my pool. I hate this! Please help me. I'm miserable!

• I am 13 and my mom is always trying to butt into my life! I know sheis just trying to help but she always asks me, Are you and your friends fighting? Why aren't you hanging out with so-and-so this weekend? It gets so annoying! I told her that I would tell her when I want to talk but she still doesn't listen! I have a boyfriend and she is afraid we're going to go too far too young! I tell her that I can make my own decisions and that I know what is too far but she still doesn't trust me with it. What should I do?

• My mom doesn't trust my friends. She doesn't let me go to their houses and she doesn't let them come to mine. She asks me about how good their grades are and stuff, but I don't want to tell her because she tells me to make new friends if they don't get good grades! She's always worried about this stuff and never let me sleep over at their houses! I am seriously stressed out about this because I'm always alone on the weekends!!!! I need to make her trust my friends, I need to tell her that I DO KNOW how to make good friends!

• Okay, so I am 9 and my parents will not let me have a sleepover. I mean, what is up with that? My older sister is 14 and has sleepovers all the time. Please help me make my parents trust me to have a sleepover! THANKS!

• I caught my MOM reading my DIARY!!!!! It has all my problems and crushes in it. Can you please give me some advice?

• My dad has anger problems. He gets mad at someone and takes it out on the whole family. Just 5 minutes ago, I was getting gum and I heard my dad say to my mom, "Why'd you let her put the blank on in there?" (Blank means an inappropriate word.) He was so mad I started crying and said, "You obviously don't care about how I feel, so just watch what you want!" I was giving him what he wanted, yet he yelled "TURN IT DOWN!" Every night I cry myself to sleep because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Then he acts all lovey-dovey and then he gets all mad again. What should I do?

• My parents have been fighting so much lately. I'm always scared because I'm afraid something bad will happen. I don't want it to affect school. I don't want to lose another father, or my little sister to have the same problem. What can I do?

• PLEASE HELP ME. My mom isn't letting me go to a school dance, and she won't tell me why! I think she's worried that I might do drugs or something, but I SWEAR TO ANYTHING I WILL NEVER EVER DO THAT. And my parents know so, they trust me. But they never let me go to dances and I'm in grade 9!!! How can I make them change their minds?

• "My mom just had a baby. He cries a lot and she ignores me! What should I do?"

• I feel like I am to blame for my parents getting separated. They have been separated since I was 10. I feel like now I don't exist in their worlds. All the attention goes to my brother and sister. What should I do with this problem? mom!

• My mom is SO annoying. My friend's mom is SO awesome; my friend can tell her mom ANYTHING. I can't talk to my mom about personal stuff like guys that I think are hot and other girl stuff, if u know what I mean. She always bothers me about celebs that I like. Even if I did talk to her, she would tell my dad everything that I told her and he would bother me about it. Other than not being able to talk to her about certain stuff, she's a great mom!

• My parents don't listen to me. They don't take my opinions into consideration AT ALL! When I ask if they are even listening to what I am saying, they say they are, but they don't understand that hearing what I'm saying and respecting my opinions are two totally different things. I don't care if they agree with me, but when I try to talk things out with them, they are planning what they will ground me from or what they will say to me after I'm finished AS I AM SPEAKING! They don't let me explain my actions and it hurts me! When I try to explain why I feel neglected and ignored by them, they just ground me for a few weeks. How can I confront them and tell them to listen without being punished unreasonably? Help!

• "My parents are pushing me WAY too much. I do well in school and am in many advanced classes. I used to play piano, but I had too many other commitments. I play volleyball almost year-round, and at the moment I am not doing so now. It's almost the end of the school year, so I want that time to study for finals, but my parents keep pushing me to play volleyball, get a job, take more advanced classes, and do well in all of them! What should I do?!"

• "I have a disabled sib; he has autism. But at home I think he's just my bro. My parents don't. They think the world revolves around him. When I talk to them about it they say that I'm being dramatic and that I want the world to revolve around me! They've tried to explain to me that he has a disability and I know that. I'm never alone with them so I can't do anything without him coming and messing it up! How can I get them to understand that all I want is a little more attention without being rude or whiny?"

• I have 2 baby sisters and a toddler brother whos a handful. I am the good kid but Im the one whos blamed if my folks dont get enough sleep, Im the one whos always sweared at and Im the one who gets in trouble for no reason whatsoever! Anyway, I really would love it if you could give me some advice.

• I just turned 13 and I am so loving it. But it's not fair that my parents are always over my shoulder! I think that if they could, they would strap a video camera to my head and let me walk around with it all day. Whenever I come home from school my dad calls me and asks me like a billion questions like: What took you so long to get home? or Did you see any boys today? I mean REALLY! What should I do?

• I am in 7th grade. At the end of last year, my mom got me a bra. But it was just a plain cotton one. I want push-up bras or ones that aren't boring like cotton. All my friends have them. I don't know how to ask my mom because she's not that easy to talk to about these things. In 5th grade, I asked her about getting a bra and she said that I didn't need one yet. I guess I am just afraid of being turned down.

• My dad eats a lot of bad food. My family tells him that it is bad for him, but he doesn't listen. I'm afraid he is going to die. What should I do?

• Hi, I really love my mom. But, she loves my hair long. I am really tired of it. The same old everyday. I am ready to make a change. I feel I am responsible enough to get my hair cut. How can I convince her that I want my hair cut, without hurting her feelings?

• I live with only my dad (my mom's dead) and I want a bra but I'm embarrassed to ask my dad to get me one. If I get one without his permission and he finds out, he'll be angry and ask me questions, like why I thought I needed a bra. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to him about that kind of stuff! I've asked someone else for advice and they said to write him a letter, but it didn't work. What should I do?

• I really want to babysit these 2 kids in my neighborhood. They don't even live far away, just 3 houses down. Their parents have asked me a couple of times. But I had to refuse because my parents think it's too dangerous, even though I'll be around the neighborhood! I want to make some money to buy things not only for myself, but for presents. My 11-year-old friend Sara babysits. Why can't I? How can I convince them?

• OkayMy dad is into God and all, but I just dont believe in the same things. How do I tell my dad that I dont want to go to church? He says I dont have to go, but the alternative is being grounded for a week! I dont know what to do. The more I go to church, the more I know its not right for me.

• I went to school in the 2nd grade and now I'm in the 5th. I've been home schooled most all my life. I want to go to school again and get friends cause I dont have many. But my mom says I'm the same boy cause I was a troublemaker but I'm not. I've changed a lot. How do I get her to let me? Thanks.

• My mom seems really depressed. When I come home from school, she's crying. And that makes me want to cry, too. I've already had a bad day! I lost my crush to someone else, my teacher's mean, and now I have to listen to this! It makes me sad and I hate it. She doesn't have the energy to do things around the house. Last night my dad had to cook dinner because my mom was crying herself to sleep on the couch. I give her a hug and tell her I love her, but that doesn't seem to make things better. What should I do?

• My parents are so overprotective! They won't let me get a cell phone. They think that it's way too expensive and I don't need one because there's always pay phones. Well, I have been researching phones for about a YEAR and I found that there are some REALLY CHEAP phones. But they don't care. And where I live, there are almost NO payphones. Everyone has a cell phone. They think that I will call bad people. I'm only going to use it for emergencies, talk to my parents, and MAYBE call my friends. But any time I talk to them about getting one they just laugh and think that I am joking. It makes me feel REALLY small.

• I want to wear two-piece bathing suits but my parents told me that I'm 'too young to show that much skin.' How can I convince them that I'm old enough to wear them?

• My mom and everybody in my family thinks I'm crazy! I tell them that someday I will run for first woman president of the U.S.A., and that I will be something bigand then they start laughing. I just wish they could know that they are hurting my feelings. Please help me!

• Me and my older sister both play soccer. Sometimes my parents set high goals for me so I can be as good as my sister. How can I be as good as her?

• A few years ago, I begged my mom to get me a doll that everyone had. Now, I never touch it, even though it was very expensive. My mom now wants to take me to a place in New York thats all about the doll: American Girl Place. Since I never play with my doll, I don't want to waste $500 on a trip there. My mom is all excited about it. Should I go or not?

• My parents always talk to me about embarrassing things in public. Like when were in a restaurant, my mom just starts talking about 'growing up,' if you know what I mean. I hate it when they do that. Even when I tell them this, they still do it. How can I get them to stop?

• Last spring my dad was having some problems. He didn't really have a good childhood and I don't know, he was kind of depressed and he went away and spent a month away from the family to 'sort things out.' When he came back at the beginning of the summer he seemed fine. But lately it seems like things are going back to the way they were, and he and my mom are spending a lot of time talking. I'm afraid that the same thing is going to happen again and I'm scared. What should I do?

• I never feel safe to express my feelings to my parents or sitting down and spending time with them. I need some help!

• My mom has made me play piano for 9 years. I hate it, and I've told her that lots of times. She says its good for me. I believe her, but I don't want to play piano, I want to play the guitar. I own a guitar and I play it often. My mom says I can start another instrument, only I can't stop piano. Help me please!!!!

• My mom wont let me go shopping at the mall, but all my friends and I want to go. What do I do to get my mom to let me go?

• My parents put a lot of pressure on me. I get good grades in school, but sometimes I feel like even A's and B's aren't enough for them. I still have to go to bed at 9pm, and they won't let me get instant messenger or go to any chat rooms or anything. It's almost as if they are trying to keep me a little kid. How can I express to them that I want to be able to grow up without feeling guilty?

• I think I have a singing/acting talent that I take seriously, but no one else will! Not even my parents! How do make people take my interests seriously?

• My mom doesn't want me in chat rooms. I like to go to chat rooms because it's fun to talk to other kids. I would never ever meet a perfect stranger in real life if I only talked to them in a chat room. And if someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I know that I should ignore that person and leave. I'm old enough and know all the safety precautions and stuff. How can I tell her that I'm old enough to just chat with other kids?

• My dad has gone out of town, which causes my mom loneliness even though I'm there. Recently she started college again, but that just passes the loneliness to me because on July 4th she had homework and that made
  her tired. A few neighbors were popping fireworks and I wanted my mom to see them but she didn't, and that made me feel like we were from different planets. In other words, we aren't spending much time together. What should I do?

• I feel I am a very responsible person, and I believe that I am capable of taking care of a dog, but my parents don't approve. How can I get their approval?

• Just like Nancy, one of my parents passed away (my dad), and now my mom is going out with a longtime friend of the family. I've talked to my mom and now she knows how I feel, but I just don't think she knows how much pain she's causing me. I just get so mad sometimes I want to cry.

• My mom is a very beautiful person. But ever since she remarried, she's changed. I don't like my stepfather because he is mean to me when we are alone. My mom has changed and now she's mean too. The only time I don't feel pressured is in school. I don't feel good at home. I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it. What should I do?

• My mom wont let me dress a certain way. Shes always telling me to be myself and to be original, but when I do she always tells me to go change.

• Brianna, Tamara, and Janelle all need advice on how to get their parents permission to start dating.

• My mom passed away, and my dad has been talking about dating lately. I don't want him to date, but I haven't told him this because I don't feel comfortable talking to him. He met a woman and they've been going steady. I don't like her and I haven't told him. The weird thing is that she is my best friend's aunt!!!!

• "My dad keeps calling me stupid, even though I really am not. I get straight A's and I have won the spelling bee before. But now, I find that I am starting to call myself stupid, and I feel that if I don't stop this, I am going to believe that I am stupid. I know that my dad is just kidding, but he never says that he is, so maybe he isn't. What should I do?"

• "My parents won't listen to me when I say that they can die from smoking. What can I do?"

• "We recently moved, and I'm not happy with the people or the location of my new home, and I need some time for just my mom and me. How do I approach my mom in a way that she doesn't feel criticized?"

• "My parents won't let me see a movie that I want to see really bad. What should I do?"

• "I want a raise on my allowance, but my mom won't even talk about it with me! I'm only asking for a $5 raise! What should I do?"

• "My parents are divorced and I live with my Dad. When I visit my Mom, I try to talk to her about me not wanting to live with her, and she keeps saying that I can't stay with my Dad all my life. What should I do? I don't want to hurt her feelings."

• "I can't talk to my parents about anything. I am an only child and often feel lonely. My parents are overprotective (they watch the news too much) and they have weird superstitions that something will happen to me. I feel like I am in a cage. I can't talk to anyone about it. Plz give me some advice on what to do."

• "My parents are way too protective. They won't let me have a spare key, they won't let me stay home alone, AND they won't let me have a sleepover without a month's notice! Help! How can I prove to them that I can do all this stuff?"

• "I can't talk to my mom or dad about grades. If I get an F
  my mom will flip out. What should I do?"

• "Every teacher has high expectations for me. My parents make me work way too hard. Recently, I got a 90% on my math test and my parents nearly blew the roof."

• Several of you had questions about how to handle it when your parents argue or call each other names in front of you.

• "My mom smokes way too much. She says she has it under control, but I think she's wrong. I don't want her to get sick and die, and now my friends say her breath smells. How can I tell her how I feel?"

• "My mom doesn't want me to go to middle school. Instead, she wants me to go to a Christian school. I really would like to stay with all of my friends. How do I talk to her about this?"

Dear IML,
My mom is a very beautiful person. But ever since she remarried, she's changed. I don't like my stepfather because he is mean to me when we are alone. My mom has changed and now she's mean too. The only time I don't feel pressured is in school. I don't feel good at home. I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it. What should I do?
--Missy, 13

From Josephine Schiff, MSW, LCSW, school social worker in Union City, NJ public schools

Hi Missy,
Divorce is not fun, and accepting new step-parents/brothers/sisters isn't fun either. At first. But I have to ask you a couple of questions. When you say your stepfather is mean, even when you're alone, does mean = tough, or does mean = cruel? There is a big difference. If mean = cruel, then you need to bring this up with a trusted adult IMMEDIATELY. No one should treat you cruelly.

However, if mean = tough, then youre experiencing something that lots of kids in your situation have also experienced. Many times when parents are divorcing, they tend to be a little less tough on their kids, because their main concern at the time is the problems in their own relationships. Then, after the parent with custody becomes involved in a committed relationship, things tend to change. Often, adults like to present a "united front" when disciplining or laying down the law with children. If you're not used to this, it can come across as MEAN. Think about it: are you upset because you're not getting away with things that you used to?

It's important to make sure you are heard. If you feel uncomfortable talking one-on-one with your mother, see if an adult friend or relative can help you out. Have this relative/friend go with you to talk with your mom. I realize that it's not a fun subject to talk about, but by avoiding your mom, you're not doing a whole lot to help the problem. Print out this page and bring it to her to help get things started. If all else fails, a professional counselor can help to mediate your concerns. Good luck!

Get more advice by visiting the IML section on Dealing With Divorce.

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Dear IML,
My mom wont let me dress a certain way. Shes always telling me to be myself and to be original, but when I do she always tells me to go change.
--Jordan, 11

Dear Jordan,
It might be time to strike a compromise with your mom. Ask her what she wants you to wear, and express to her what you want to wear. Then try to find things you both agree on. Do what I do when I really want my way with my parents: make a chart, with pictures and diagrams and all. If you present views from her side, and yours, and show that you understand where she's coming from and want a compromise, she's much more likely to say yes. GOOD LUCK!
--Jessica, IML Mentor

Dear Jordan,
Even at age 17, my mom doesn't let my sister dress in her own way. She always makes her dress in bright colors while my sister actually prefers darker colors. Whenever my sister dresses in her own way, my mom says that she's influenced by her peers. My sister was really frustrated in the beginning, but now she has learned to cope with that. Actually, my mom's suggestions made my sister re-think her own style and what being herself really means. When your mom has something to say about the way you dress, it might be a good chance for you to learn more about yourself and your own style.
--Joyce, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
I am 12 years old going on 13. My brother could date when he was 13, but my parents say I can't. I try to talk to them but it doesnt work. Its not so much my mom as it is my dad, and I dont understand. I get really good grades and everything! I think my parents need to learn to let me grow up. I have dated before but my parents got mad. I think I should ask them if theyd let me date if they got a chance to meet the boy first. What do you think I should do?
--Brianna, 12

Dear IML,
My mom says that I am too young to go to dances. Yet all my friends go and talk about their boyfriends and stuff. What should I do?
--Tamara, 11

Dear IML,
I'm 11 years old. My friends are all starting to date. My mom won't even let me go to the school dances. How old should I be to date? How can I tell my parents if a guy asks me out?
--Janelle, 11

Young ladies,
The issue about dating (when to start and who to date) is sometimes very difficult. Sometimes, it makes parents a little uneasy because it's a hint that their child is growing up. Fathers can be tougher than usual when it comes to dating because they see their daughters, no matter their age, as daddys little girl. Fathers usually want what's best for their daughter and would hate to see a boy hurt them, so they try to shelter us before anything bad can happen. Mothers can be strict when it comes to dating because they know all about the difficult things that can come with it (believe it or not, they were in your position once!), so they also want to shelter us. The best thing for you to do is to keep talking with your parents about wanting to date, but don't nag them about it. Give them good reasons why and tell them about who youre interested in. Make sure to stay open with them and tell them the truth, because it'll show how responsible you are. But if they still won't agree with you, let it go. Youre still young and even though you may want a boyfriend, you still have plenty of time to go to social events and meet potential boys. If you wait until later, at least you'll have time to know what to expect and get the best that's offered to you.
--Tiffany, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
My mom passed away, and my dad has been talking about dating lately. I don't want him to date, but I haven't told him this because I don't feel comfortable talking to him. He met a woman and they've been going steady. I don't like her and I haven't told him. The weird thing is that she is my best friend's aunt!!!!
--Nancy, 12

From Josephine Schiff, MSW, LCSW, clinical social worker in high schools in Bergen County, New Jersey

Dear Nancy,
First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am about the death of your mother. Losing a parent at any age is devastating, and at your age it can be especially tragic. While reading your question, the biggest impression that I got is that you don't seem to talk to your dad very much. You haven't told him how you feel about him dating in general, and especially about his new girlfriend. You are not alone. When a parent dies, it affects many parts of a family's life. For example, if a leg on a table broke off, the remaining legs would have a very hard time holding up the table without falling! That's what seems to be happening with you and your dad. Instead of working together to see how you can hold up the table, you are moving farther away. But my guess is that even though you don't talk to him about your feelings, you really want to, right? Nancy, he is your father first. It's easy to be intimidated because he's starting to date. It's easy to keep your grief all to yourself and be mad and disappointed at him. Because if you're mad at your father, then you don't have to feel so sad about your mom. I call it "camouflage anger" (meaning, anger that hides another, deeper kind of anger).

Nancy, print out your letter to IML and the response and show it to your dad. Start talking! This is a very, very difficult time for the both of you. You both have a lot in common, and this is not the time to forget that.

Good luck. The fact that your dads girlfriend is the aunt of your best friend, a person that you like to spend a lot of time with, just might be a positive thing.

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