Advice Questions about Parents:

• "My mom is always spending time with my 2 little brothers even though I'm her only daughter. We never get to talk about mother/daughter stuff. How can I find a way to talk to my mom and spend more one-on-one time with her?"

• "I just learned about puberty, getting your period and other things like shaving and growing breasts. I'm excited for these things to happen to me so I can feel more grown up. I think I'm way too young to be starting these things and I'm afraid my parents think the same. I always get my courage worked up to talk to my mom and then it goes away. I try writing letters to my mom but she still hasn't talked to me about it yet. When I ask her to bring me to the store to buy a bra, she thinks I'm kidding. I think I need one because I feel self-conscious about my body if I don't have one on. I really need help talking to my mom. What should I do?"

• "My mom only lets me watch baby stuff, like Dora, Teletubbies, and Dragon Tales. I really want mom to let me watch older shows. What should I do?"

• "I think my mom hates me. She really never spends time with me and when she angry she calls me a mistake and calls me names. Also lately she’s become very mean and gives me a glare every time I walk past her. What should I do to make her not so mean anymore and make her like me again?"

• "My parents just got a divorce and every weekend we switch off (my mom's weekend one week and my dad's weekend the next week). I live with my mom and I hate going over to my dad's house, but I don't want to tell him that I don't like coming over because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please tell me what to do!"

• "I can never talk to my mom about anything! If I tell her something she ends up telling her friends and my dad and everyone. How can I stop my mom from telling everyone my feelings?"

• "I broke my parents' trust. Now they won't let me back online, just because someone on my friends list was not who they said they were. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I'm being punished for it. What can I do to earn back my parents' trust?"

• "When my parents get angry at me, they call me names like "a good for nothing" and "useless" and it really hurts. And sometimes it's not even my fault or they're being unreasonable. What should I do?"

• "My parents are 'taking a break' and each night I cry, even when my dad calls to read me and my brother a story. I don't want to tell him I cry every night but it's bringing me and my mom pain."

• My parents are so controlling and never let me make my own decisions. This summer they are making me go to stupid camps and I don't have a choice. It's just so hard because I know they love me...and they wanna help me not be alone all summer...but it's driving me crazy! This summer I planned on hanging out with friends and going in my pool. I hate this! Please help me. I'm miserable!

• I am 13 and my mom is always trying to butt into my life! I know sheis just trying to help but she always asks me, Are you and your friends fighting? Why aren't you hanging out with so-and-so this weekend? It gets so annoying! I told her that I would tell her when I want to talk but she still doesn't listen! I have a boyfriend and she is afraid we're going to go too far too young! I tell her that I can make my own decisions and that I know what is too far but she still doesn't trust me with it. What should I do?

• My mom doesn't trust my friends. She doesn't let me go to their houses and she doesn't let them come to mine. She asks me about how good their grades are and stuff, but I don't want to tell her because she tells me to make new friends if they don't get good grades! She's always worried about this stuff and never let me sleep over at their houses! I am seriously stressed out about this because I'm always alone on the weekends!!!! I need to make her trust my friends, I need to tell her that I DO KNOW how to make good friends!

• Okay, so I am 9 and my parents will not let me have a sleepover. I mean, what is up with that? My older sister is 14 and has sleepovers all the time. Please help me make my parents trust me to have a sleepover! THANKS!

• I caught my MOM reading my DIARY!!!!! It has all my problems and crushes in it. Can you please give me some advice?

• My dad has anger problems. He gets mad at someone and takes it out on the whole family. Just 5 minutes ago, I was getting gum and I heard my dad say to my mom, "Why'd you let her put the blank on in there?" (Blank means an inappropriate word.) He was so mad I started crying and said, "You obviously don't care about how I feel, so just watch what you want!" I was giving him what he wanted, yet he yelled "TURN IT DOWN!" Every night I cry myself to sleep because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Then he acts all lovey-dovey and then he gets all mad again. What should I do?

• My parents have been fighting so much lately. I'm always scared because I'm afraid something bad will happen. I don't want it to affect school. I don't want to lose another father, or my little sister to have the same problem. What can I do?

• PLEASE HELP ME. My mom isn't letting me go to a school dance, and she won't tell me why! I think she's worried that I might do drugs or something, but I SWEAR TO ANYTHING I WILL NEVER EVER DO THAT. And my parents know so, they trust me. But they never let me go to dances and I'm in grade 9!!! How can I make them change their minds?

• "My mom just had a baby. He cries a lot and she ignores me! What should I do?"

• I feel like I am to blame for my parents getting separated. They have been separated since I was 10. I feel like now I don't exist in their worlds. All the attention goes to my brother and sister. What should I do with this problem? mom!

• My mom is SO annoying. My friend's mom is SO awesome; my friend can tell her mom ANYTHING. I can't talk to my mom about personal stuff like guys that I think are hot and other girl stuff, if u know what I mean. She always bothers me about celebs that I like. Even if I did talk to her, she would tell my dad everything that I told her and he would bother me about it. Other than not being able to talk to her about certain stuff, she's a great mom!

• My parents don't listen to me. They don't take my opinions into consideration AT ALL! When I ask if they are even listening to what I am saying, they say they are, but they don't understand that hearing what I'm saying and respecting my opinions are two totally different things. I don't care if they agree with me, but when I try to talk things out with them, they are planning what they will ground me from or what they will say to me after I'm finished AS I AM SPEAKING! They don't let me explain my actions and it hurts me! When I try to explain why I feel neglected and ignored by them, they just ground me for a few weeks. How can I confront them and tell them to listen without being punished unreasonably? Help!

• "My parents are pushing me WAY too much. I do well in school and am in many advanced classes. I used to play piano, but I had too many other commitments. I play volleyball almost year-round, and at the moment I am not doing so now. It's almost the end of the school year, so I want that time to study for finals, but my parents keep pushing me to play volleyball, get a job, take more advanced classes, and do well in all of them! What should I do?!"

• "I have a disabled sib; he has autism. But at home I think he's just my bro. My parents don't. They think the world revolves around him. When I talk to them about it they say that I'm being dramatic and that I want the world to revolve around me! They've tried to explain to me that he has a disability and I know that. I'm never alone with them so I can't do anything without him coming and messing it up! How can I get them to understand that all I want is a little more attention without being rude or whiny?"

• I have 2 baby sisters and a toddler brother whos a handful. I am the good kid but Im the one whos blamed if my folks dont get enough sleep, Im the one whos always sweared at and Im the one who gets in trouble for no reason whatsoever! Anyway, I really would love it if you could give me some advice.

• I just turned 13 and I am so loving it. But it's not fair that my parents are always over my shoulder! I think that if they could, they would strap a video camera to my head and let me walk around with it all day. Whenever I come home from school my dad calls me and asks me like a billion questions like: What took you so long to get home? or Did you see any boys today? I mean REALLY! What should I do?

• I am in 7th grade. At the end of last year, my mom got me a bra. But it was just a plain cotton one. I want push-up bras or ones that aren't boring like cotton. All my friends have them. I don't know how to ask my mom because she's not that easy to talk to about these things. In 5th grade, I asked her about getting a bra and she said that I didn't need one yet. I guess I am just afraid of being turned down.

• My dad eats a lot of bad food. My family tells him that it is bad for him, but he doesn't listen. I'm afraid he is going to die. What should I do?

• Hi, I really love my mom. But, she loves my hair long. I am really tired of it. The same old everyday. I am ready to make a change. I feel I am responsible enough to get my hair cut. How can I convince her that I want my hair cut, without hurting her feelings?

• I live with only my dad (my mom's dead) and I want a bra but I'm embarrassed to ask my dad to get me one. If I get one without his permission and he finds out, he'll be angry and ask me questions, like why I thought I needed a bra. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to him about that kind of stuff! I've asked someone else for advice and they said to write him a letter, but it didn't work. What should I do?

• I really want to babysit these 2 kids in my neighborhood. They don't even live far away, just 3 houses down. Their parents have asked me a couple of times. But I had to refuse because my parents think it's too dangerous, even though I'll be around the neighborhood! I want to make some money to buy things not only for myself, but for presents. My 11-year-old friend Sara babysits. Why can't I? How can I convince them?

• OkayMy dad is into God and all, but I just dont believe in the same things. How do I tell my dad that I dont want to go to church? He says I dont have to go, but the alternative is being grounded for a week! I dont know what to do. The more I go to church, the more I know its not right for me.

• I went to school in the 2nd grade and now I'm in the 5th. I've been home schooled most all my life. I want to go to school again and get friends cause I dont have many. But my mom says I'm the same boy cause I was a troublemaker but I'm not. I've changed a lot. How do I get her to let me? Thanks.

• My mom seems really depressed. When I come home from school, she's crying. And that makes me want to cry, too. I've already had a bad day! I lost my crush to someone else, my teacher's mean, and now I have to listen to this! It makes me sad and I hate it. She doesn't have the energy to do things around the house. Last night my dad had to cook dinner because my mom was crying herself to sleep on the couch. I give her a hug and tell her I love her, but that doesn't seem to make things better. What should I do?

• My parents are so overprotective! They won't let me get a cell phone. They think that it's way too expensive and I don't need one because there's always pay phones. Well, I have been researching phones for about a YEAR and I found that there are some REALLY CHEAP phones. But they don't care. And where I live, there are almost NO payphones. Everyone has a cell phone. They think that I will call bad people. I'm only going to use it for emergencies, talk to my parents, and MAYBE call my friends. But any time I talk to them about getting one they just laugh and think that I am joking. It makes me feel REALLY small.

• I want to wear two-piece bathing suits but my parents told me that I'm 'too young to show that much skin.' How can I convince them that I'm old enough to wear them?

• My mom and everybody in my family thinks I'm crazy! I tell them that someday I will run for first woman president of the U.S.A., and that I will be something bigand then they start laughing. I just wish they could know that they are hurting my feelings. Please help me!

• Me and my older sister both play soccer. Sometimes my parents set high goals for me so I can be as good as my sister. How can I be as good as her?

• A few years ago, I begged my mom to get me a doll that everyone had. Now, I never touch it, even though it was very expensive. My mom now wants to take me to a place in New York thats all about the doll: American Girl Place. Since I never play with my doll, I don't want to waste $500 on a trip there. My mom is all excited about it. Should I go or not?

• My parents always talk to me about embarrassing things in public. Like when were in a restaurant, my mom just starts talking about 'growing up,' if you know what I mean. I hate it when they do that. Even when I tell them this, they still do it. How can I get them to stop?

• Last spring my dad was having some problems. He didn't really have a good childhood and I don't know, he was kind of depressed and he went away and spent a month away from the family to 'sort things out.' When he came back at the beginning of the summer he seemed fine. But lately it seems like things are going back to the way they were, and he and my mom are spending a lot of time talking. I'm afraid that the same thing is going to happen again and I'm scared. What should I do?

• I never feel safe to express my feelings to my parents or sitting down and spending time with them. I need some help!

• My mom has made me play piano for 9 years. I hate it, and I've told her that lots of times. She says its good for me. I believe her, but I don't want to play piano, I want to play the guitar. I own a guitar and I play it often. My mom says I can start another instrument, only I can't stop piano. Help me please!!!!

• My mom wont let me go shopping at the mall, but all my friends and I want to go. What do I do to get my mom to let me go?

• My parents put a lot of pressure on me. I get good grades in school, but sometimes I feel like even A's and B's aren't enough for them. I still have to go to bed at 9pm, and they won't let me get instant messenger or go to any chat rooms or anything. It's almost as if they are trying to keep me a little kid. How can I express to them that I want to be able to grow up without feeling guilty?

• I think I have a singing/acting talent that I take seriously, but no one else will! Not even my parents! How do make people take my interests seriously?

• My mom doesn't want me in chat rooms. I like to go to chat rooms because it's fun to talk to other kids. I would never ever meet a perfect stranger in real life if I only talked to them in a chat room. And if someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I know that I should ignore that person and leave. I'm old enough and know all the safety precautions and stuff. How can I tell her that I'm old enough to just chat with other kids?

• My dad has gone out of town, which causes my mom loneliness even though I'm there. Recently she started college again, but that just passes the loneliness to me because on July 4th she had homework and that made
  her tired. A few neighbors were popping fireworks and I wanted my mom to see them but she didn't, and that made me feel like we were from different planets. In other words, we aren't spending much time together. What should I do?

• I feel I am a very responsible person, and I believe that I am capable of taking care of a dog, but my parents don't approve. How can I get their approval?

• Just like Nancy, one of my parents passed away (my dad), and now my mom is going out with a longtime friend of the family. I've talked to my mom and now she knows how I feel, but I just don't think she knows how much pain she's causing me. I just get so mad sometimes I want to cry.

• My mom is a very beautiful person. But ever since she remarried, she's changed. I don't like my stepfather because he is mean to me when we are alone. My mom has changed and now she's mean too. The only time I don't feel pressured is in school. I don't feel good at home. I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it. What should I do?

• My mom wont let me dress a certain way. Shes always telling me to be myself and to be original, but when I do she always tells me to go change.

• Brianna, Tamara, and Janelle all need advice on how to get their parents permission to start dating.

• My mom passed away, and my dad has been talking about dating lately. I don't want him to date, but I haven't told him this because I don't feel comfortable talking to him. He met a woman and they've been going steady. I don't like her and I haven't told him. The weird thing is that she is my best friend's aunt!!!!

• "My dad keeps calling me stupid, even though I really am not. I get straight A's and I have won the spelling bee before. But now, I find that I am starting to call myself stupid, and I feel that if I don't stop this, I am going to believe that I am stupid. I know that my dad is just kidding, but he never says that he is, so maybe he isn't. What should I do?"

• "My parents won't listen to me when I say that they can die from smoking. What can I do?"

• "We recently moved, and I'm not happy with the people or the location of my new home, and I need some time for just my mom and me. How do I approach my mom in a way that she doesn't feel criticized?"

• "My parents won't let me see a movie that I want to see really bad. What should I do?"

• "I want a raise on my allowance, but my mom won't even talk about it with me! I'm only asking for a $5 raise! What should I do?"

• "My parents are divorced and I live with my Dad. When I visit my Mom, I try to talk to her about me not wanting to live with her, and she keeps saying that I can't stay with my Dad all my life. What should I do? I don't want to hurt her feelings."

• "I can't talk to my parents about anything. I am an only child and often feel lonely. My parents are overprotective (they watch the news too much) and they have weird superstitions that something will happen to me. I feel like I am in a cage. I can't talk to anyone about it. Plz give me some advice on what to do."

• "My parents are way too protective. They won't let me have a spare key, they won't let me stay home alone, AND they won't let me have a sleepover without a month's notice! Help! How can I prove to them that I can do all this stuff?"

• "I can't talk to my mom or dad about grades. If I get an F
  my mom will flip out. What should I do?"

• "Every teacher has high expectations for me. My parents make me work way too hard. Recently, I got a 90% on my math test and my parents nearly blew the roof."

• Several of you had questions about how to handle it when your parents argue or call each other names in front of you.

• "My mom smokes way too much. She says she has it under control, but I think she's wrong. I don't want her to get sick and die, and now my friends say her breath smells. How can I tell her how I feel?"

• "My mom doesn't want me to go to middle school. Instead, she wants me to go to a Christian school. I really would like to stay with all of my friends. How do I talk to her about this?"

Dear IML,
My mom seems really depressed. When I come home from school, she's crying. And that makes me want to cry, too. I've already had a bad day! I lost my crush to someone else, my teacher's mean, and now I have to listen to this! It makes me sad and I hate it. She doesn't have the energy to do things around the house. Last night my dad had to cook dinner because my mom was crying herself to sleep on the couch. I give her a hug and tell her I love her, but that doesn't seem to make things better. What should I do?
--Martha, 10

From Josephine Schiff, MSW, LCSW, school social worker in Northern New Jersey

Dear Martha,
Thanks for writing to IML. Yes, your mom does seem depressed. Crying, having no energy, and losing interest in things are symptoms of depression. Martha, it may not seem to make things better when you hug her, but it does. She is having a hard time showing it. Her depression is not your fault, and there are many others who care about you. You sound like youve been going through a rough time in school, too. What concerns me, Martha, is that its important to have someone to talk to. Is there a school counselor or teacher (not the mean one!) you can talk to? I really suggest having a talk with your Dad, because he can reassure you about your moms condition and how, as a family, you can all cope with this situation. Take care, and let us know how you and your mom are doing.

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Dear IML,
My parents are so overprotective! They won't let me get a cell phone. They think that it's way too expensive and I don't need one because there's always pay phones. Well, I have been researching phones for about a YEAR and I found that there are some REALLY CHEAP phones. But they don't care. And where I live, there are almost NO payphones. Everyone has a cell phone. They think that I will call bad people. I'm only going to use it for emergencies, talk to my parents, and MAYBE call my friends. But any time I talk to them about getting one they just laugh and think that I am joking. It makes me feel REALLY small.
--Matt, 12

Hey Matt!
I am 18 years old and barely got my driving permit. My parents are overprotective too. They mean well. But, how embarrassing! All my friends have been driving for over two years now, and I've just gotten behind the wheel. My parents have reasoned that as long as they are available to take me places, I don't need to learn how to drive. I feel like such a baby having my Mommy drive me to school and to the movies, and if I want to go somewhere but she doesn't want to take me, I'm stuck at home. But they don't care, at least it seems that way. Perhaps they just care too much. The more and more I drive, the higher the risk of me being involved in a car accident. It is a lot of responsibility to drive a car. Although much smaller than a car, a cell phone is a lot of responsibility, too. You have to monitor the minutes of your phone, be sure it is always charged, be sure to have it with you at all times, and carry it carefully so as not to drop it or lose it. Some cell phones are pretty cheap, and I bet you can probably find a plan that is reasonably priced too. But I don't think your parents are concerned about that. They are concerned that you are not responsible to have a cell phone yet. I have to prove to them that I will be a responsible, cautious, and safe driver; I think you have to prove to your parents that you are ready for a cell phone. Show them that you are responsible by taking initiative with chores, doing your homework before mom bugs you, treating your sibs as if they were human beings, etc. Try that and then present them with the cell phone prices and plans. SHOW them how serious you are, and they might consider things differently.
--Vanessa, IML Mentor

Dear Matt,
I think the best way to get your parents to listen is to ask them to sit down with you and explain to them all of the reasons why you need a cell phone. Explain to them how you have done your research on phones and have worked everything out like the price and how many minutes you can use. It is very important to show them that they can trust you and that you will be responsible and organized. To impress them, maybe try to pick one cell phone that is a good deal. Type up a list of reasons you need the cell phone and a list of who would be the only people you would call. Make a project out of it and your parents just might see that you took these matters in your own hands and are really dedicated to getting this phone. Ask your parents politely to trust you this once so you can prove to them that you deserve a cell phone and will be responsible with it. Remember that your parents are just looking out for you and making sure that you will be in no danger by getting a cell phone. Its hard to admit as a teenager myself, but from experience you will learn that parents seem to always know best and are always looking out for your best interests.
--Joel, IML Mentor

Hey Matt,
It's true -- it does seem like everyone has a cell phone! In fact, a lot of my friends don't even use their home phones anymore. Have you ever thought about raising money for a cell phone yourself? See if you can start getting an allowance for doing chores around the house and make a deal with your parents to pay part of the phone cost. Also, a lot of cell phone companies have family plans, so if your parents already have phones (or if they want them), you could be added on for less than an individual plan. Point out to them that getting you a phone will benefit them, because as you get older, you'll go places without them more often; with a phone, it will be easier for them to reach you. Right now they probably think you only want it for selfish reasons, and that it's not necessary in your life. Show them how it will make life easier for them and you, and try to help out with the cost. Hopefully, they might change their minds before your next birthday.
--Lauren, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
I want to wear two-piece bathing suits but my parents told me that I'm "too young to show that much skin." How can I convince them that I'm old enough to wear them?
--Trina, 12

Hey Trina!
Ah, parents and their dress code rulesalways a difficult topic. I found that the best way to deal with these kinds of situations is to compromise. If they won't let you wear bikinis, there are a lot of tankinis that are really cute that don't show off as much of your body. Or maybe you could find a bikini that has shorts for bottoms and the tops have more coverage than triangles of fabric. Keep in mind that your parents aren't trying to ruin your pool fun, they're trying to protect you. What is a piece of clothing to you can be a huge distraction to boys, and while you may get attention, it's probably not the kind that you want (or that your parents want you to have). Who wants to be liked just for physical reasons? One more thing: bikinis arent all theyre cracked up to be. If you're at the beach in a bikini, sometimes it's hard to play volleyball, swim, run, etc. due to lack of comfort and the impending fear that your top will come untied!
--Lauren, IML Mentor

Dear Trina,
I know two-pieces are cute but sometimes they can be too revealing and risqu for younger girls. There are many responsibilities that come with showing more skin than usual. Your parents are just trying to protect you. But, I understand your frustrations so I will suggest that you tell your parents about the "tankini." A "tankini" is a two-piece bathing suit where the top is a tank top style and the bottom is a bikini or boy short style. Maybe your parents will be more lenient towards that type of suit. If all else fails, you can always purchase an extremely cute one-piece suit!
--Tiffany, IML Mentor

Hey Trina!
My parents are very strict. I will be eighteen this month and my Dad still wont let me wear bikinis. He says that I have to be conservative as long as I live in his house. Well, Im not moving out anytime soon, so too bad for me, I guess. But during the years there have been other articles of clothing I have been able to gradually implement, thanks to the art of negotiation. For the longest time I couldnt wear tank tops because they show my shoulders and my Dad didnt want me to. But its hot! Id protest. Well, hed say, go take a shower. One day, I found this really thick tank top and because the strap was at least two inches, he let me wear it. My advice to you is first, understand their point-of-view, even its just the fact that no is no. Then, find a bathing suit that is not so revealing, like a tankini. If that wont work, try a halter one-piece. There are a lot of cute bathing suits that are not bikinis; you just need to do a little research and be creative. It is very important that you dont immerse yourself in the sole fact that you are restricted. Life is full of obstacles but we all just deal with them. See this as an obstacle that you just gotta work around. Your parents have the last word and that will always be so. We as the kids must improvise. Understand where they are coming from and they will see you as mature.
--Vanessa, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
My mom and everybody in my family thinks I'm crazy! I tell them that someday I will run for first woman president of the U.S.A., and that I will be something bigand then they start laughing. I just wish they could know that they are hurting my feelings. Please help me!
--Maria, 11

Dear Maria (Future President),
It hurts when the people you love don't support your dream. However, what I have learned is that a big part of growing up is learning to separate your family and friend's wishes from your own. I know it sounds terrible, because as children we are very attached to our family's approval. But you need to become your own person and realize that you can be whatever you want to be. If your family thinks youre crazy, that's fine. After all, you don't need THEM to study and work hard, right? Work your hardest for your dream and don't pay attention to their reaction. It might also be a good idea to let your family know how serious you are, and how badly you feel hurt when they belittle your dreams. Let them know that even if theyre not fully convinced that you can do it, you still expect their support.
--Samantha, IML Mentor

Dear Maria,
Having someone you care about tell you that you can't succeed does hurt. When I was in the 8th grade, I decided to run for several high positions in my school's student government. Because I wasn't that popular, a lot of people tried to caution me because they didn't think I would win. By everyone implying that I wouldn't win, it gave me the strength to try even harder. Once December came, I was the president of the graduating class, the student body, and advisory representative. Perhaps your family wants you to think realistically since the past presidents have been all men. But Maria, if you really feel you want to become president and you have the determination and dedication to do so, Maria, you can do anything you set your mind to. I wish you luck in all your endeavors and I'll be looking for your name on the presidential ballot.
--Tiffany, IML Mentor

Dear Maria,
First of all, you are not crazy! Because if you are, then I am too! I also used to tell my parents that I want to be the first woman president of the U.S. But in a way, I couldnt blame them for dismissing it as a childhood fantasy. This is a really big ambition, you know. Sometimes it's hard for others to really understand that you mean it, you're good enough for it, and you're willing to work hard for it. I think that the most important thing is that you don't feel ashamed about your dreams. Everyone should be free to dream and to realize those dreams. So what I suggest that you do is to keep working hard at school so as to achieve as much as you can. There will come a day when youve really proven yourself, and you can tell your parents, See, I can do it! Good luck!
--Joyce, IML Mentor

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